Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
