the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
