i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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