i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
