I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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