I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
