just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
