i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize