I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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