Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
