Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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