mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
