Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
