Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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