sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
