I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I look better un-naked...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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