This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
