Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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