Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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