I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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