I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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