it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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