she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize