God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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