Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
