He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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