Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
