By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it because I queefed?
this boner is exhausting
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
