Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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