He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
