When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
