I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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