and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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