So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
