he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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