the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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