You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
