is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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