May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
