I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
