Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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