There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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