my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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