I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
