I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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