I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
