There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
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