A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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