I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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