It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
