I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
