He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He did a backflip because drugs
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