you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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