I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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