Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
