I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize