I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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