No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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