dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
