i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize