My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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