I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Couch. On fire.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
