I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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