I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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