I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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