So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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