you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
