I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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