me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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